Thursday, March 22, 2007

In Praise of Mini-Eggs

An Ode (of sorts) to my favorite Easter Candy:

Cadbury Mini Eggs. Rather dull in name, you might overlook the purple package amid all the tasty Easter candies filling the holiday aisle. Plus, the name "Cadbury Egg" conjures up images of a miniature version of the hardcore cadbury egg (complete with egg yolk oozy goodness!). Yet, Cadbury Mini Eggs bear no resemblance to the famed egg, nor do they taste anything like it.
Small, poppable, and pastel, they have that satisfying crackle-thin layer of delicate candy coating that gives way to incredibly smooth, sweet cadbury chocolate. SIGH. They are, in fact, one of my all time favorite candies. When my son was inutero, I often ate them for breakfast (must explain his sweet tooth... or perhaps my 60+ pound weight gain that pregnancy... hmmm) accompanied with some half and half coffee (half real/half crap decaf). They are only sold at Easter time, so there is that sense of scarcity that somehow enriches the whole candy feasting experience... eat up, for tomorrow they'll be 75% off and we can hoard them up for the next few months!
My mother used to buy me three or four bags at a time... family sized bags, mind you. I could usually manage to stretch them until... May. Sure, Hershey makes a mini egg that seems similar but don't be fooled. I like hershey eggs. I do. They are reliably hershey kiss-like with a thick candy shell like some kind of m&m proportioned quail egg. Yes. I eat them. But are they in the same league as Cadbury Mini Eggs? Hell no!
Hershey eggs are coarse, shiny things that cheapen the palate. Cadbury eggs are dusky, matte finished, and speckled like REAL EGGS (if real eggs were not only white but blue, pink, and yellow, too...). And the clincher is that they now come in

(drumroll... salivation ensues... clasped hands unfurl to reveal...)

Royal Dark Chocolate, no less. Sigh.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

My new sin

Okay. I know I've been on a religious thing as of late, what with coffins, pentacostal hair and the like, but my friend L. sent me a link to this crazy beta site: www. where I watched this:

The whole time I kept envisioning this segment set to Wiggles music, complete with Dorothy the Dinosaur dancing to "Do the Monkey" and tossing banana peels hither and thither, but that might just be because I'm the mother of a 2 year old.

Anyway. I guess youtube was just too dang secular for these folks, so they've started their own video sharing site... with such gems as this parody of Baby got Back that may leave you...speechless.

Baby got it goin' on like the wife in Proverbs 31...

God help us.

Friday, March 02, 2007

Avoiding that Preacher's Wife Look... you know what I mean

Okay... I can't believe these are real suggestions. I have long hair, which I almost always wear up because in that completely illogical way, I prefer my hair long but not touching my face if I can help it. This drives my hair stylist crazy because she cuts these beautiful styles that I then yank up into a ponytail or braid, style be damned. Consequently, I like to figure out new ways to wear my hair up so that it doesn't look quite so much like a pentacostal preacher's wife (though that may be a lost cause). Today I bought this giant bobby pin stick thing and I wanted to see how to use it (impromptu lock picking aside) so I began perusing the webpage, clicking on the euphemistically titled section "Effortless Beauty." Lo and behold, they have such innovative suggestions as putting your hair into a ponytail at the nape of your neck, braiding the ends, and then pinning it with bobbypins. Umm, that's so difficult to think of that it required a webpage?

Or how about this one: the aforementioned Scrunchie Out on the Town". If that's "out on the town" than I must be kicking it every night, my hair in that same damn hairdo while I nosh on popcorn and m&m's and watch tivoed episodes of One Life to Life. It goes especially well with my evening attire--jammie pants and a tank top, which I'm sure will be all the rage at socialite parties this season. Sheez. Everyone knows you never wear scrunchies out in public because that hasn't been acceptable since...oh, since 1992 or so. They are handy and don't cause damage but style wise, they have been a fashion don't for over a decade.

This one is even more fun, as it must be the "thrifty" style for those who are into economy. Come on, Scunci... do you really think that people are busting the bank when they buy any of your products? The most expensive I've ever seen was no more than 8 bucks, and it was a prommy-thing with rhinestones (the like of which will cost 25 or more at the mall). Satsify your need for cheap by recreating this:

This marvelously cheap hairstyle is made by twisting two sections of hair and securing it with one (count 'em!) mini jawclip. Isn't that amazing?! For ONLY 40 cents you can look like you twisted your hair and clipped it with a minjaw clip! AMAZING! Nevermind that that shit would pop out of my hair and break in a matter of seconds. Not too thrifty for me, eh, Scunci?

You could always just go for the Heidi with ADD look. Everyone knows that Heidi braids are done by having one on EACH side of the head... poor girl. She tries, but she just can't stay focused:

Shoot. I might as well just throw in the towel and dress to match the hair. Not to knock on anyone's beliefs, but I have spent more time than I care to admit looking at really awful clothes that are designed to fulfill the biblically "based" modesty movement. They have whole sections of jumpers! Jumpers, people! Twist on your scrunchie, slip into your not-sexy jumper, tie on some sensible tennies and go, woman! Egad. And of course... they've got you covered: Never fear, freaky modest women. Scunci has an emergency quick fix for that, I'm sure... and it probably involves a fileted scrunchie and some trusty bobby pins.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Rock, Scissors, Paper Coffins!

Looking for that special oomph that will give your gift presence and style? I knew you were. When you have something mediocre, why not present it with a bit of macabre elegance? Yep, that candy necklace will seem like a fine jewelry store item once it's nestled in a smart little coffin.
These would have been perfect for all the flies I buried as a child...SIGH. My early obsession with death led to a little fly cemetery, tucked in beside our woodpile. Imagine if it had included actual burial vessels...! What authenticity! Instead, I had to make due with tearful visits from my dollhouse people and the solemn lone "monument," a plastic white cross on a simple brown base that stood in the center of the grouping. (One Lent, I saved money for world hunger just so I could earn that baby and put it out in my graveyard! Ahh, my early religious training!)

I mean, really, who doesn't need a little paper coffin in their lives? Or, if you're really feeling crafty, you can construct your own 13 piece Hearse Playset. I mean, really, isn't that just the cutest thing ever? (All toys are courtesy, by Ray O'Bannon.)